i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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