so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm gonna fight the coyote
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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