I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
