and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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