I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
