he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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