you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I checked into jail on foursquare
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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