remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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