I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
