Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
