I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
