she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
