Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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