i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
