he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
