watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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