The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He has the fingertips of a God
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
