Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
