I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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