what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
