o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
