the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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