Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
