I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
