i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
