dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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