# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
