I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
