If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
