I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
