We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
