What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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