My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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