Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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