Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
