So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My dad is sitting where you rode me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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