I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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