how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
