I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
