Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
