He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
