dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
tell me about the eggs
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
