some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
tell me about the fingering
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
