she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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