Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
