I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
