anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I need water and some morals
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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