I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
