i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
