Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
