i think my mom watched the whole time
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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