And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
