at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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